I love every one of you. Some more than others, though. Happy Wednesday, everybody. So tonight, we’re leading with golf. I don’t know why, but we are. Perhaps it’s because I know so much about it and by so much I mean very little. When I hear ‘fore!’, I think of how many times I get up at night to pee. When I hear about a nice sand wedge, I picture myself in a thong in Cabo. When I hear about a handicap, I think of my favorite spot to park and when I hear of a foursome, I think about the wild weekend I once had with The Jonas Brothers, but for once, there is actual news.
The PGA Tour and Saudi backed LIV Golf are merging in a historic partnership that has rattled the sports world to its very core. Yes. Yes. It’s a blockbuster deal that I don’t care about, but it apparently settles an intense year long feud that’s led to a split among our nation’s golfing treasures. True, the golf world hasn’t seen a dust up this huge since Tiger Woods’ his ex-wife caught him with his putter in a Perkins waitress sand trap. And this can only mean one thing.
ANNOUNCER: D****! TRUMP IS RIGHT AGAIN!
BROOKS KOEPKA’S COACH TEARS INTO MEDIA OVER LIV GOLF NARRATIVE FOLLOWING PGA CHAMPIONSHIP
CNN: This is just a situation here where money talks, okay? Money talks and morality can get in the way of it and for many, money ends up winning.
MSNBC: Everybody’s getting rich on this deal, everybody’s getting rich… I don’t know how you go from calling them terrorists to calling them great business partners?
Where are they when President Xi violates human rights like it’s par for the course and never mind that deadly viruses spewing from his crappy biolabs like a clown throwing confetti at a parade. But families of 9/11 victims are upset, too, since LIV Golf is owned by Saudi Arabia, home of the terrorists who carried out the attack and they have a point. Fact is, Saudi Arabia does have a reputation worse than Kevin Spacey at Chucky E. Cheese. But then why do we run our cars on Saudi oil? Why didn’t we invade them after 9/11 while blasting Rock the Kasbah by the Clash? It would have been the perfect chance to see if our weapons could beat our weapons and why did Joe Biden recently fist bump one of their leaders? Thankfully for Joe, at least, the leader was actually there. But two things can be true at once, Saudi Arabia can have a dismal human rights record, and this new golf league could be a fun sport to watch, you know, if you’re mixing skunk weed with DayQuil.
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So are we really all that shocked that the big green God won the day, especially when the big orange one told you it would happen? Nope. Sadly, it’s like that antisemitic hack Ilhan Omar once said about the Jews, “it’s all about the Benjamins,” and that was her worst bogey since marrying her brother, allegedly.